I was determined to get things done ahead of time (for once). While starting to pack my suitcase, the night before our 2 week family vacation, I surveyed my list. Everything checked off. I was buoyed by the splendid results of being so well organized. It felt like a dance; surely this was a good omen for our trip. The flight would require rising early and taking off with the car already packed. While sprinting boldly down our split level landing (where 3 steps take you down from the bedroom area to our living room below) I tripped over my own oomph. Flying into the air, I made a crash landing bracing the fall with my right arm."I think I've broken my shoulder. We need to go to the ER now." I told my husband, decisively.
At the E.R. they xrayed my entire arm and found only a broken wrist. I told the P.A. that my shoulder was killiing me. He said, "You've probably torn your muscles up pretty bad, and it will take time for them to heal. I was given a script for pain pills. "Have the orthopedic MD check it when you get back from vacation."
A few hours later we returned home just before midnight. The packing and other last minute stuff still waited. My broken wrist was splinted temporary and I was wearing a sling. There was no way I could lay on my shoulder and I passed the first of many fitfull nights sleeping poorly. But between the 2 of us we managed to make it to the airport next moring on time.
Our vacation was great. I didn't have to carry luggage, drive, or help my mother-in-law with the dishes. Showering was horrible: taping plastic wrap over my splint (which got wet anyway) & having to fix my hair with just one hand. Food fell from my fork when I ate because I've never managed to become ambidexterous. But while the rest of my family had fun, and took paddleboat rides on the lake, I nurtured my pain, guarded my arm and grappled with my sudden (unanticipated) loss of energy and vitality by resting, reading, staring off into space and mostly just BEING.
I loved it when we took drives because I became the 'little kid' in the back seat, just watching the world go by out the window, while the 'grown-ups' sat up front having conversations. Being a child, once more, I reinhabited that world where there was no need, nor interest in, the boring world of adults. Overnight it felt, I'd lost control of my abilities and my freedom. It was bizarre how this silly little accident catapulted me back into infantile vulnerability, helplessness, and simple presence. Life seemed to pass me by, in my dazed-out state. And I felt utterly relieved.
Back home, down to earth, and in the orthopedic office 2 weeks later, I got my purple cast applied and asked about my shoulder which still hurt like hell. They looked at the xrays again (because I asked them to) but seeing no problems with the bones, said "nothing is wrong". I would need 2 months off work (YES!!! That news thriiled mel) and physical therapy. It wasn't till I got my cast off 4 weeks later that anyone actually examined my shoulder. And that was only because I asked (again) about my painful shoulder, which was getting worse and worse. The P.A. acted as if she were hearing this news for the first time.
Doctors don't see patients anymore. Physician's Assistants do, instead, but they have neither the training, nor the experience, nor the instinct, which a Doctor has. It's becoming far too easy for patients to fall through the cracks. As a nurse, I have been noticing this trend in my professional setting. Now, I am learning what its like to be 'on the other side' and face the uphill struggle of being an advocate for oneself.
The MRI, which the P.A. finally ordered, showed "massive rotater cuff tendon tears". I have 3 of them completely "disrupted" and one hanging by a thread. My surgery will be in a couple of weeks because the doctor is going on vacation first. It still hurts like hell. But if I get a healthy new shoulder out of this it will all be worthwhile. Now I'm going to have 3 more months off work (except for the financial fiascos I feel like a kid at Christmas: my package contains the best gift I can imagine: TIME).
(next chapter: How TIME feels and what's required to actually inhabit it.)
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